Today is another day sitting in melancholy.   This week has been a difficult one.  My brain just won't calm down and I sit wondering if it will ever stop. Yet new discovery in my world of mental illness happened via my computer.
I had never heard of Elizabeth Wurtzel until yesterday.  I got a news burst on my computer that she died.  She wrote a memoir called Prozac Nation, a book I never heard of either.  Having been on antidepressants continually for 20 years and now weaning off,  it caught my interest.  I googled to get more information and came across an article/obituary in the Washington Post.  I was somewhat aghast at the last line in this excerpt:

     "Her harrowing debut, “Prozac Nation: Young and Depressed in America” (1994),        established her as one of the most provocative writers of her generation, generating awe among readers who saw in her work an honest depiction of depression and mental health issues, as well as derision from critics who accused her of self-absorption, narcissism and relentless self-promotion."

Self absorbed, narcissistic and relentless self-promotion?  Is that how people without mental illness see people with it? Do some people believe that, what is a cry for help, is nothing more than relentless self-promotion?  
Is that how I am seen?  When my brain is spinning with random unhealthy thoughts and I feel like I am in a cold dark cave unable to escape, I talk to someone or write out my feelings hoping someone will save me from this miserable feeling.  Am I self absorbed, narcissistic and relentless with self promotion?  Is this why I have trouble feeling accepted?  Is this why I felt alienated from various groups of people over my life?  Ughh why can't I just be normal!!

I should be grateful Elizabeth Wurtzel wrote the book, which I have now ordered.  I'm pretty sure I will be able to identify, but in typical fashion of my brain, I am now ruminating that maybe I am just a self absorbed narcissist.  GREAT!

Maybe her book will shed life on how to live with this challenge rather than constantly try to fix it because I CAN'T.

My kids, my joy

My kids, my joy. The Camino de Santiago allowed me to reconnect with my kids,  I thought I lost a long time ago in my divorce.  50/50 custody and a contentious divorce did that to me.

Where am I now?  I have tried for years to be okay with myself.  I have explained, apologized and shut up to be liked in this world.  During my marriage I was convinced there was something greatly wrong with me, believing that's why I was unhappily married.  I bought self help book after self help book only never finding a solution to my unhappiness, my emotional sensitivities and to fitting in.   I felt alone in a crowded room for as long as I can remember. After 20 years on Antidepressants, that may have took the edge off my emotional pain but never solved the problem, I have weaned off.  Its a new century and hopefully I will find that solution.  I want peace in my brain. 

I leave for Spain in 12 days.  I am excited yet so nervous that I can't get out of my own way.  While planning this trip, I have come to to the realization, that I am horribly indecisive.  When I thought about it my indecisiveness is something I have ignored but lived with as long as I can remember.  It's no wonder I have been "stuck" and looking for direction.  As I have prepared for my trip it was obvious I needed to stick to a basic plan and stop the ruminating "should I, could I, would I," in my head.  Somehow I will  make sure my backpack when filled weighs no more than 15 lbs.  That is even a lot but I decided I will get rid of stuff along the way if its to heavy to carry. 


I am arriving in Madrid Sept 26 at 11:40 and will get the next available train to Astorga.  After reading the distances between stages and knowing my flight back is October 10.  I won't start in Leon but 2 stages up in Astorga.  This will allow me to enjoy the walk and take in the beauty of Spain without rushing to meet a deadline.    

Although I am glad I read up on the Camino, I definitely over did it and therefore now have the mindset I am going and will figure it out as I go along.  One beauty of the Camino is it is a spiritual journey and for that you don't need to plan much.